Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
