her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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