I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
