It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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