I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
