The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
