Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
