I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
