This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
