she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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