I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
