just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
