He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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