can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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