i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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