I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my fart just growled at me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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