I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
