I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
