Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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