I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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