Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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