New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
