answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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