After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
