If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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