Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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