wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
