i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
