Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
