U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
