just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
