I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
