its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
