I can't watch pbs sober anymore
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
