just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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