the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When are your genitals available?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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