Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
