god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
