thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
