this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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