Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
