Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
