Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
