Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
