Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
