If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
