life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
