I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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