I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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