Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
